Eyes Wide Open
by Avocado
Summary: Xelloss/Filia. Lime. Set after TRY. Xelloss comes to visit Filia, but what does he want, and why?


Warning: This fanfiction is somewhat citrusy (lime, not lemon).  There are no explicit sex scenes.

Spoiler Warning: This fanfiction is set after the end of TRY, and does contain spoilers of the series ending.  You have been warned.

Bias: Xelloss/Filia 

(so, basically, if you're dead set against this pairing, don't read it.)

Standard disclaimer.  These characters are not mine-- this is a work of fanfiction.  I am making no money off of this.  Don't sue me.

Eyes Wide Open

There was no one as sophisticated as the Greater Beast, draped over a chaise longue, wineglass resting near her spike-heeled feet, cigarette and holder dangling from her manicured fingers.  She shook back long blond hair from slit eyes.  "Xelloss," she said, voice deep with a purr or a growl.  "Choose that one or choose another one.  Just get it done."

"Is this my punishment for failure?"

She lifted one neatly plucked brow.  "Have you failed me?"

"No, Juu-ou-sama."

Painted red lips lifted in a slight smile.  "See that you don't."  

He retained his grip on the staff as he bowed before her.  "As you wish, Juu-ou-sama."

_A loyal servant, she thought to herself, amused at always with her creation.  Even among pure Mazoku, he was unique.  He straightened, and would no doubt have faded, off to begin his task.  "On second thought," she offered, the burr deepening her voice once more, "I think the little gold is the best for the task after all."_

His eyes opened-- an unusual gesture even in her presence.  She saw the lavender, the dark slits.  His dark smile followed a moment later.  "It might take some time."

She waved her hand languidly.  "So.  It will take time.  Just _do it, priest."_

He bowed again, then faded.

Xellas Metallium took a deep drag on her cigarette, then sighed as the smoke cloud surrounded her.  She tapped the holder on the chair arm, then reached down to grab her wineglass.  As she sipped the blood-red wine, she laughed.  "That little dragon girl stands no chance."

***

Filia poured herself another cup of tea.  She often found herself consuming it desperately.  The cause stood before her, ringing his foxy paws.  "I'm sorry, Filia-oneesan.  I thought the gunpowder would help you in firing the pottery."

She took a sip of the tea.  The burn on her tongue was steadying her nerves.  "You did blow up the kiln, Jiras."  She took another breath.  "And don't call me 'oneesan'."

Tears filled his remaining eye, and she cringed, feeling like a villain.  "I'm sorry, Filia-oneesan."  His chin quivered. 

"I'm not---" she broke off.  There was no point.  She'd been telling him for months.  "It's all right, Jiras," she said slowly.  "You're forgiven."

"Thank you, oneesan."  He stood up straight, eye clear and proud.  He was always cringing or proud of himself.  It was-- exhausting.  She wasn't sure how she would survive it when Valgarv--no, Valterria--finally hatched.  Jiras, Grabos, and Valterria: _three children were more than she thought she could tolerate._  But Jiras was still speaking, "Um, oneesan?"

"Yes, Jiras?"

"I was wondering," his toe ground into the floor, his eye not meeting hers.  

"Yes?"  _Just go, she thought, __and let me get back to work..._

"Grabos and I... I wanted to go see Paru."  That out, Jiras began to speak very fast-- almost faster than she could follow.  "See, I never let them know I was alive, and they were nice to me-- just like you, Filia-oneesan-- and I should really let them know I'm all right and see if they need any help and that's why I thought that I'd take Grabos along since he did such a good job rebuilding the room after I blew it up and all and Filia-oneesan, Valgarv-sama won't need us anytime soon and since we rebuilt the shop, I thought maybe it would be all right if we went away for awhile?"

It took her a moment to process this breathless speech, but when she did-- "That's a wonderful idea, Jiras."  _Arigato gozaimasu, __Ka-ryuu-ou-sama._  Some free time at last.  "I remember them.  Of course you should go see if they're all right.  And, if you think Grabos should come too, of course I don't mind."

"_Thank you, Filia-oneesan!"  He skipped out of the room, tail waving behind him.  She could hear him calling out to Grabos as he ran, telling him they were going on a trip._

A trip to the land outside... It would take them months to get there from Sailoon, and months to return.  She took a sip of tea, trying to keep her emotions in check.  They were so devoted, so eager to be helpful, that she felt guilty for wishing them gone.  Too, some part of her couldn't help but feel that too much pleasure would doom the enterprise.  If she showed her happiness that they were going, they'd never go.

***

It seemed that Filia was to get her wish after all, for three days later they were going, tears welling from Jiras' eyes, as he cuddled against her chest a fourth and final time, nose dripping.  She watched them as they walked away down the street: the red-eyed Grabos, and his friend Jiras, walking arsenal.

Then she went back and poured herself a cup of tea, smiling widely as she sipped it.

She almost burned herself when a cheery voice came over her shoulder.  "Long time no see, Filia-san."

She set down the cup of tea immediately.  Who knew what he'd do?  "I haven't missed _you, Mazoku."_

A clucking noise.  "How cruel, Filia-san.  Have you been taking lessons from Lina?"  A pause.  "No, don't answer."

Filia wouldn't face him.  She couldn't bear it.  As long as she didn't see him, she could pretend he wasn't here--- wasn't ruining the only time she'd had alone in months.  Had she gotten rid of Jiras and Grabos at long last only to be tormented by-- she shuddered-- Xelloss, Namagomi Mazoku extraordinaire?

He 'ported across the table, appearing in front of her.  No use pretending not to see him now.  He was all to visibly present.  At least he wasn't touching her.  "Ano, Filia-san.  It's not nice to ignore your customers."

"I'm not selling what you're buying."

His mocking smile broadened.  "And how do you know what I'm buying?"

"It's not a cup of tea."

His gloved finger reached across the table to tap the end of her nose.  "Ah, but it is."  He leaned back and declaimed loudly, "Everywhere I've been, I've heard of the wonders of tea from the 'Mace and Vase' shop, and I thought, 'Who could run such a shop but the glorious Filia-san?' and here I am, dying to sample your famous tea."

She shook her head.  "Fine."  She got up to get him a cup, and set it down in front of him, pouring the tea.  It had taken her months of travel with the Mazoku priest, but she'd finally learned her lesson.  If he wanted to stay, he'd stay.  She sat down across from him as well.  She'd also learned the futility of trying to avoid him.  "So, what has the Greater Beast's priest been busy with?"

His brows drew together slightly.  _Was he annoyed that she refused to be baited?_  "Ah, well.  This and that."

At least he hadn't said '_Sore wa himitsu desu.'  "You know, Xelloss," she offered, "this conversation won't get far if you don't say anything."_

"You could tell me about yourself..."

"I could.  But you probably know it anyway."

"Perhaps, but not _your perspective, Filia-san."_

She shrugged.  _Why not play along?_  "I have a tea shop.  Valterria hasn't hatched yet.  Jiras and Grabos went on a little trip."

"I am astounded you put up with them so long."  His voice was low, and, for once, she couldn't detect a hint of mockery.  Perhaps he'd worked on concealing it.

Filia smiled.  "You may credit them for my ability to endure your taunts."

His eyes opened.  It was always startling-- she shivered.  "I haven't been taunting you, Filia."

He hadn't-- not really.  He'd simply refused to say why he was here.  Or-- had he?  She'd never asked.  She knew the probable response to her question, but decided to ask it anyway.  "Why are you here, Xelloss?"

"Orders."

Her heart sped.  She forced calm.  "You're finally coming to finish the job?"

His eyes were still open, fixed on hers.  One purple brow lifted.  "Finish the job?"

"I've heard it said that you killed the golden dragons.  Are you ready to start on the gold dragons now?  You'll have a head start, since there's only one left."

The brow fell; the eyes closed.  "We're not at war."  His voice was soft.

"We're never at peace."

"True."  The eyes opened again.  It was strange.  She'd never seen him with his eyes open-- except-- the thought broke off.  _Finish it, Filia, she told herself._  She'd never seen him with his eyes open-- except when he tried to kill someone.  

"That _is it, isn't it, Xelloss?"  She shook her head.  "Why didn't you just kill me before?"_

He frowned; there was an edge of irritation in his voice.  It seemed to take so little for her to bring it forth.  She'd always seen that-- and been confused by it.  "If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead."

She laughed.  "You're not Lina-- or Gourry.  I've heard the Mazoku like to play with their food."

He growled, a low warning.  It was a clear reminder whose creation he was.  "Damn it, Filia.  I'm not here to kill you."

Ah, yes.  So she'd been somewhat successful in her manipulation.  He pushed and prodded with mockery, and it usually worked.  Gods knew she'd never been able to persuade Lina of his evil.  Her only way to get him to reveal his secrets was to push and prod in return until he lost that fine edge of control.  She smiled at him.  "So."

His lips pursed, and his eyes grew cold.  It amazed her that she could see differences in his diamond-hard eyes.  "Good work, Filia," he said, the charming lilt back.  It was a sign of his anger.  "You always were a good manipulator."

She felt the burning rage, then tamped it down.  She had won the battle; there was no point losing the war.  She had to hold the victory.

He seemed displeased at her continued calm.  In an instant, he blinked out.  She was oddly-- disappointed.  Despite all of it, she enjoyed sparring with him.  It was never safe-- he wasn't safe.  But, then-- her thought broke off as he reappeared kneeling on the table in front of her.  Her heart leapt.  Had she pushed him too far this time?  

One gloved hair laced in her hair, pulling the back of her head toward him.  Frightened now, she raised her hands.  There wasn't time to transform; time to chant a spell.  Curse him-- she thought-- I forgot how deadly--

His mouth touched hers, tongue moving between her slightly parted lips and opening her mouth beneath his.  Her hands, still raised, clutched at his cloak, his shirt beneath it.  She was still for a second, then shyly slid her tongue against his.  His mouth tasted warm, slightly coppery.  His free hand swept off her hat, removing the heavy decorative bangles she always wore.  

"Filia," he murmured into her mouth.  Her eyes slid closed, letting him continue to kiss her, returning the kiss.  She hadn't realized how long she had wanted this-- wanted him.

And with that thought, the spell broke.  No!  Not him!  Of all the Mazoku, this was _Xelloss._  Of all creatures in the world, he was the one she couldn't touch.  She pushed at his chest with all of her strength.  He didn't fight her refusal, leaning back and releasing his hold on her hair.  She dragged the back of her hand across her mouth, shaking.

"Damn you, Xelloss," she hissed.  "I didn't think you'd go this far to win an argument!"  His eyes were open; he made no response.  "Get out.  Leave me alone."  He made no movement.  "Just _go!"_  He blinked out, going wherever Mazoku went.  

Filia searched the room with crazed eyes, making certain he was truly gone.  Her fingers touched her traitorous lips, tears filling her eyes.  They soon turned into full-blown sobs.  "How could he?  How did he know?  _Why?"_  If he hadn't known before, he certainly knew now.  Even when they'd traveled together, knowing him as the slayer of dragons, she'd watched him.  She'd been insulted when he mocked her; while she told herself it was offense on behalf of the dragon race, it wasn't true.  She'd wanted him to admire her-- to respect her.  She'd let herself be captured in a dragon-hating town simply because she'd wanted to prove herself to him.

She shook her head.  _And how well had that incident turned out?_  Rather than proving herself to be calm and superior, she'd endangered herself and everyone else.  He'd prodded her to fury-- oh, so easily-- and to the violence she had wanted to avoid.  She'd tried so hard.

He'd saved her life from the rampaging Ragdomezeghis near Alto and Baritone, and she'd been surprised he cared enough about any of them to expend his strength.  When she'd seen his first betrayal, she knew-- or thought she knew-- how evil he was.  And then, he'd saved her life, only to throw her at the enemy as a distraction.  His second betrayal, when he held his staff against her throat and threatened to kill her-- she hadn't believed he really meant it.  Still, she had tried to kill him, only to find she was falling into his trap.  In the end, it seemed she had finally won his respect.  But, had she?  

And now?  She sniffled.  Truth told, she was a manipulator-- but young.  She didn't possess his skill.  Filia had made a few attempts to ruffle his famous composure and succeeded, but those were small victories.  She had savored them, but she was still far from discerning his purpose.  She had no concept of why he kissed her, but knew it was unlikely to be a simple reason.  Did Mazoku love?  She doubted it.  And, even if they did... he was old: one of the most powerful, one of the most evil, and proud of it.  He almost certainly did not love her.

That night, her bed was hard and cold.  Even the glow from Valterria's egg couldn't brighten her night.

***

She woke up the next day with the sun high in the sky, her eyes dry and sore.  She lay in bed for a few minutes, loath to leave it.  Suddenly, she realized that Jiras and Grabos were well and truly gone, and that she was sleeping through the morning rush.  _She was disappointing all of her customers._  _Damn, damn, damn._  She lunged out of bed and into her clothing.  _Damn, damn, damn._

She tripped over her mace on the way to the door.  _Damn, damn, damn! _

It was all the fault of that Namagomi Mazoku!  If he hadn't...  She ran to the stairs, only to come to an abrupt halt as she stared down the stairs at... 

Xelloss?  Dressed in an _apron?_  _Selling her tea?!? _

And, worse, all of her customers-- the people she'd spent months developing friendly relations with-- trying to gain acceptance-- were all smiling and joking with him.  He was even serving cookies.  _Cookies?_  Wait... hadn't Lina told her about Xelloss' cooking?  That was almost enough to send her running down the stairs-- it would have been, if Xelloss had not looked up at that moment.  Even with the distance between them, her eyes met his.  To her shock, she heard his smooth voice in her mind.

"Ohaiyo, Filia-san.  You seemed to need your sleep, so I thought I'd help out a little."

She drew in a deep breath.  _"What are you doing?" she sent back._

She could sense-- if not see-- his mocking smile.  "I am serving your tea.  And cookies."

"Namagomi!  I want my customers to survive, Mazoku!"

"Ma, ma, Filia-san.  Dragons are so violent, aren't they?  All I'm doing is serving tea."

"I've _heard about your cooking, Xelloss."  But she did calm down.  He enjoyed it far too much when she lost her temper.  She wasn't going to give him the satisfaction._

A mental image of Xelloss with one raised brow, that damned chiding finger waving.  "I haven't been ordered to kill your customers, Filia-san.  And you know I get in trouble if I don't follow orders..."-- a mental burst of pain/fear/pleasure washed over her and was gone in an instant, leaving her reeling-- "besides," he continued, "why do the cooking myself when I have hordes of lesser Mazoku to do it for me... some of whom can even cook?"

It wasn't inspiring-- not in the slightest.  But she had to take his assurances at face value.  After all, he'd never lied to her.  Never.  He'd concealed information, he'd mocked her, but never once had he told her an outright lie.  Besides, if he'd poisoned everyone, she was too late to stop it.  Wasn't she always?  Always too little, too late.

Apparently their conversation was not finished, for she saw the suggestion of his infuriating smile in her mind again.  "Come down, Filia-san.  Have a cup of tea.  Try a cookie."

She closed her eyes and winced, then reluctantly climbed down the stairs.  All the time they'd been "talking", Xelloss had been continuing his pleasant chat with her customers.  

He gave her his usual cheery smile when she reached the foot of the stairs and walked into the room.  "Filia-san!  I do hope you're feeling better now.  Let me fix you some tea... and a cookie?"  The light conversations cut off immediately, then started up again slowly.  

She nodded jerkily.  She _still made the humans uncomfortable, and they'd accepted Xelloss immediately?_  He bustled behind her and sat her down at one of her own tables, pulling out the chair for her.  A few minutes later, he stood in front of her with a cup and tea.  She closed her eyes and took a sip.  Her normal blend.  Good.  Two sips later, he was back with a cookie on a plate.  "There, Filia-san.  Enjoy."

She gave him a helpless smile, then picked up her cookie.  She stared at it before taking a bite, then closed her eyes in despair.  Wolf-shaped cookies.  Xelloss and his lesser Mazoku had cooked up a collection of _wolf-shaped cookies._  She kept her eyes closed, taking a bite.  _Well, at least they taste good, she told herself._

Half an hour and five wolf cookies later, the tea shop was empty save for her and Xelloss.  Filia poured herself another cup of tea as she watched Xelloss clean behind the counter.  "I suppose I should thank you," she offered hesitantly.

He continued his work, not looking up at her.  "Ne, Filia.  Don't bother."

She closed her eyes and flinched.  She really hadn't been very gracious, had she?  "Thank you, Xelloss," she said, opening her eyes again.  "I guess I'm a bit jealous that they accepted you so easily."  The explanation was a peace offering, one she hoped he'd be willing to accept.

Xelloss set down his cloth and popped out and back in front of her.  "I'm good at being accepted, Filia."

She forced herself to meet his eyes.  They were open.  He was serious, apparently.  "I know you are, Xelloss.  I'm not."  

His eyes turned up in his familiar smile.  "A thousand years of practice and you'd be good at it too, Filia-san."

"Xelloss."  His eyes opened again and she steeled herself to ask the question.  "Why are you here?  What do you want?"

His eyes remained open, looking at her.  Would he answer the question, or close them again with a smile and a wagging finger?  She bit her tongue.  If she pushed, she knew he'd mock her again.  "Filia, you know _what I want."_

She kept her eyes fixed on his.  "Yes.  I just don't know why."  

"Ah."  A pause dragged out between them.

Filia lost her nerve.  She couldn't continue to ask the question-- not when she didn't want to know the answer.  "Just tell me, Xelloss.  If you get what you want, then what?"

A long pause.  "What do you want to happen, Filia?"

She clenched a fist.  "I don't know."

"If you don't know, why do you think that I do?"

If his eyes hadn't remained open, looking at her, she would have hit him for the question.  As it was-- "You sought me out."

"So I did."

And his hand laced in her hair again, bringing her head toward him, bringing parted lips onto hers.  She let it happen, let herself respond, without answers, without plans for the future... until finally, she pushed him back, panting slightly.  She looked in his eyes-- the color of amethysts and just as warm.  "Xelloss," she begged, half-desperate.  "Just tell me the truth.  Did Juu-ou-sama order you to come here and seduce the stupid little gold dragon?"

His lips touched hers briefly, but she shoved back on his shoulders and he pulled away.  "So.  If she had, would I be stupid enough to tell you, Filia?  It would guarantee I wouldn't have you."

The form of his response was answer enough.  He was here because Juu-ou-sama had told him to come-- told him to come and seduce her.  The remaining question was: would she let him?  She closed her eyes, knowing the answer.  She was weak.  And she loved him.  She would give him what he wanted in the hopes that he would grow to love her, or, even if not that, in the hopes that she could have a few moments to pretend that he did.  She would give him what he wanted, and live with the pain afterward.

Filia felt the touch of his fingernail on her cheek.  "Filia-chan?  Look at me?"

How often had she dreamed of him calling her that?  How often had she dreamed that he loved her, knowing that he didn't?  Her eyes opened slowly, meeting his.  "Yes, Xelloss?"

He must have read the answer in her eyes, for his mouth was on hers again, and they were suddenly up in her room, sitting on her bed-- all with the usual ease and nonchalance of his teleportation.  She let her hands rove freely over him-- helped him undress.  She refused to close her eyes.  It was embarrassing when she realized his eyes were open, as well, watching her.  Still, embarrassment aside, this was her one moment to pretend.  She wasn't going to miss any of it.  Some part of her was always watching him, through the heights of pain and pleasure.  She imprinted every moment, every movement, every expression on her mind.

***

Afterward, Filia let her head rest on his chest, relaxed and tense as his fingers stroked through her hair.  

"You are truly beautiful, Filia-chan."

She cradled his words to her breast as another treasure.  Another gleaming treasure to be taken out and polished when he was gone.  She gently stroked at his chest, and was surprised when he quickly rolled her onto her back, mouth capturing hers again, hands tracing her sides.  She'd thought he would go, purpose done.  That he hadn't... the hope she'd fought to suppress was surfacing, as her hands and mouth greedily possessed him in turn.

***

It became progressively harder for her to remember how temporary his stay would be.  He was there, every moment of every day for the next two weeks.  She even laughed a few times at his clownish collection of lesser Mazoku, learned to enjoy their wolf cookies, and bullied them into making a few dragon cookies.  Sometimes she could forget who and what he was, even seeing his minions, looking into his unreflective eyes.  If she had been infatuated with him before, she was deeply in love now.  Perhaps Juu-ou-sama had ordered him to seduce her, but it didn't mean that Xelloss didn't want her, she told herself.  Besides, he'd seduced her long before, and he was still there.  _Perhaps he loves you, traitorous hope whispered in her breast._  _Perhaps he wants to stay with you._  She could think of nothing but a future.  With him in her life and in her bed.

Two weeks from that first day, she found herself in the same position, head lying on his chest, his fingers stroking her hair.  She brushed her lips against his chest, then pushed herself up to look down at him.  "Anata," she murmured.

He gave her a smile, leaving his eyes open.  "Filia."  

She moved off to the side, still watching his face.  She'd tried to suppress her questions-- tried to hold herself to simply enjoying the moment while it lasted.  The moment had lasted far longer than she'd expected, and new questions sprang to mind each day.  "Xelloss.  May I ask you something?"

His eyes remained open, but she could see the wariness appear.  It hurt.  "You may always ask, Filia."  His voice was as warm and charming as ever, but she'd become attuned to him.  She could sense the edge.  

She pushed on.  She'd brought up a question.  Now she had to ask something.  The edge was enough to drive away some more difficult questions.  She settled on what she hoped was a lighter one, but hemmed and hawed her way into it.  "I've always been somewhat curious, Xelloss.  I think I know you well.  And I've seen your minions and other Mazoku.  I know Mazoku have other forms, as I do.  I've never seen yours."

His brows pinched together slightly.  "And your question is?"

She hit his shoulder lightly with her open palm.  "What _is it?_  May I _see it?"_

His eyes watched her for a moment; an expression she could not read.  The reaction frightened her.  Over such a small thing, she could feel him pulling away... His eyes closed in that familiar smile, the one she'd hoped not to see again.  "Ne, Filia-san.  What's the matter?  Don't you like this one?"

She bit her lip.  "I do, Xelloss.  I just want to know."

His eyes opened again, serious, and it was a relief to see the end of his mocking smile.  "Filia.  The forms of Mazoku aren't always pleasant.  Aren't you concerned it will change your feelings about me?"

She pouted, an expression she desperately hoped he found amusing.  "And knowing I am a dragon doesn't change your feelings at all?"

"Ne, Filia-chan.  You're a very cute dragon."  He gave her a quick smile.  "Besides, I could never forget.  How many times _have I seen your tail recently?"_

She blushed, remembering how many times he had surprised her and her tail had reappeared, wrapping around his leg.  He'd never seemed to mind.  In fact, he'd done a few very surprising things with her tail...

"I do enjoy how far down your blush goes, Filia," he said softly, tracing one finger down her cheek, down her neck, between her breasts, then over to encircle one nipple.

Despite his attempt at distraction, she considered his question.  If Xelloss turned into a creature like Dark Star, could she bear it?  Could she bear not knowing?  If she loved him as she thought she did, it shouldn't matter.  "I want to know, Xelloss, whatever it is."

He sighed, removing his hand.  He gestured briefly and his clothing was resorbed, then magically appeared covering him.  He took her wrist, and she grabbed frantically at the blanket.  In half a moment, he was standing in the middle of a dark field supporting her surprised, sagging body.  When she found her feet, he backed away.  Her eyes met his.  His voice was cold and serious.  "You said you've seen the lesser Mazoku.  Did Lina tell you about Gaav?  Have you ever met any of the greater Mazoku?"

She shook her head, the hanging orbs of her headdress striking her ears.  "When would I have met them?"

His face acknowledged no reaction to her comment.  "So.  Some Mazoku can manifest only in the Astral plane; in any case, the majority of our form is present only in the Astral plane.  After being trapped in human form, Gaav's true form was only visible in the Astral plane.  Some Mazoku are bound into their forms, some can take others.  I happen to use this one because I like it.  I am-- rather different from the lesser Mazoku, and rather different from even the priests and generals of the other greater Mazoku."

She just stared at him.  "I know that."

He just watched her.  "No.  You _think you know that, and you __think you understand what it means._  What it means in my case is that I am not some lesser Mazoku that Juu-ou-sama decided to recruit to her cause.  I am her original creation.  I have no form other than the one I choose, and I can choose any form.  As for my 'natural form'," his eyes locked on hers for a moment, then he seemed to vanish into a cone of black visible to both Astral and physical sight.  Within the blackness itself, she caught a suggestion of a canine head, of teeth.  She shivered; and with astounding swiftness, he was before her once more in his familiar form, gemstone eyes locked on hers, staff planted in the ground.  "Is this what you wanted to know?"

She watched him for a moment, building her courage, then walked over to him and put her arms around his body.  "It doesn't matter, Xelloss.  Not to me."  He stood stiff in her arms for a minute, then seemed to relax into her touch.  Another blink, and they were back in her bedroom.  He eased them both onto the bed.  

After a few moments of silence, trying to absorb what he said, Filia asked the only question she felt prepared for.  "The staff is a part of you, then?"

He shrugged.  "Yes.  No.  Both."

She doubted she would receive any more information from him.  She'd already learned far more than she had bargained on.  She reached out toward him, kissing him until he began to respond, returning them to that world where nothing else mattered.

***

That night gave her more opportunity for thought between dreams than she had expected.  Xelloss had answered one of her questions.  That was, in itself, more than she had ever expected.  The answer had taught her something unexpected-- the impossibility of her dreams and desires.  He had been right.  She had thought she understood far more about him than she actually did.  She had thought him somehow like Valgarv-- a creature born, then corrupted, not created out of nothingness.  She had thought him possessed of some recognizable physical form.  She had thought him to be something other than a force of nature.

Knowing the truth, how could she ever expect him to love her?  Even the physical sensation, what could it mean to him?  She faced the certainty that she was dealing with something far beyond her comprehension.  She had always known he was not human or Ryuuzoku.  She had never realized how far he truly was from both.  And yet-- in his eyes, she read hurt sometimes.  Pain, when she seemed to reject him.  And his physical responses seemed real enough.  In his lifetime, couldn't his assumed physical form have become a part of him?  Wasn't it possible that what she touched was a reality of its own?

He rolled over in the bed, face looking at hers.  Mazoku eyes glowed in the darkness.  His finger traced the line of her chin.  "Ne, Filia-chan.  Why so serious?"

She couldn't tell him.  She didn't dare.  But, if she didn't, would he interpret it as a rejection?  That was somehow worse.  "I've been thinking, Xelloss."

One corner of his mouth turned up.  "Is that wise?"

"Probably not."  She closed her eyes.  She would tell him, but she couldn't bear to watch his reaction.  "I wonder-- how much this means to you.  You were right.  You are very far beyond my comprehension.  What I thought you were.  I wonder now, does this touch mean anything to you?  Can you feel it?  I don't know."  _When we lie here, do you ever sleep?_  What do you think?  Can you feel anything for me?

"I told you: I like this form.  I told you: You know what I want."  

She let him kiss her, let him caress the confusion away.  But even they had to move apart sometime, and she found the questions and confusion returning.  She loved him so desperately, even now.  And now, more than ever, she doubted he would ever be able to return her feelings.

***

It was not quite the same.  It couldn't be the same.  From that time forward, she watched him, trying to determine how much of what she saw _could be real._  She knew he'd been sent to seduce her.  He'd succeeded.  He was still there, meaning he had further orders, or he wanted to be.  And she was terrified to ask which.

She watched him.  

He must have noticed it.  How could he fail?

Finally, one night, Xelloss turned her to face him on her narrow bed.  "It can't go on like this, Filia-chan.  Tell me what you want to know."

Tears filled her eyes, even as she knew he was right.  She should never have asked the first question.  How could another one possibly improve matters?  "I love you.  Did you realize that?  I know you can feel negative emotions.  Maybe you can feel positive ones as well.  I don't know.  Either way.  I knew that Juu-ou-sama sent you here to seduce me.  I cared-- of course I cared-- but I was willing to be seduced.  I hoped against hope that some part of you might love me or grow to love me.  For awhile, I thought maybe you had.  Things were so-- there isn't a word.  Now--"  She blinked rapidly, trying to clear her eyes to watch his face.  His expression was impenetrable.  "You did seduce me.  You could have left.  That you stayed told me there was more to the mission, or that you might care.  You seem to have some feeling, Xelloss.  Do you-- can you-- care?  Is this all just a mission to you?"

There.  The questions were out.  Likely for worse, not for better.  And the answers-- she didn't want to hear them.  He likely wouldn't provide any answers for her anyway.  "You 'knew' I had been sent to seduce you."

"Yes."

"And you let me."

"Yes!"

"What did you think it would get you?"

She blinked a few more times.  Weakly: "I just wanted to pretend you loved me."

"And then you thought I did.  And now you think I don't."

"Yes."  This was the longest serious conversation she'd ever had with Xelloss.

"Speaking hypothetically, Filia-- you understand this is hypothetical?"  he paused, seeming to wait for her agreement.  She nodded, and he continued.  "What would be different about how I behaved if I loved you?  You know who I am.  You know what I do.  I have secrets.  We are on opposite sides.  Most of them could never be shared with you.  If I love you-- or if I don't love you-- if Juu-ou-sama gives me a mission, I must and will go.  Probably with no warning.  Do you understand that?"

She blinked rapidly.  Had she ever cried this much?  "I understand.  But, Xelloss..."

His lips kissed away some of her tears, then he pulled back to continue.  "You understand.  I am glad.  But you didn't answer my question, Filia.  What would be different?"

She wanted to bury herself in his arms.  She wanted to feel loved.  The conversation was terrifying her.  All of this could so easily be over in a few short minutes, and she would have to blame herself for the loss.  "Nothing.  But-- I could be certain that you would come back to me, if you left."

He shook his head.  It was a gentle movement.  "Ah, Filia.  And if Juu-ou-sama ordered me to stay away?  I would not be back, Filia, whether I loved you or not."

"Because I'm Ryuuzoku?"

He shook his head again.  "Iie, Filia-chan.  No matter who or what you are, if Juu-ou-sama tells me to leave, I will leave.  I was created to serve her.  I will obey, in the end."

She whispered, heart breaking, "At least I would know, however lonely I am, that I am not alone."

He kissed her forehead, hands caressing her back.  "Filia.  You are not alone."  Her heart lifted with that assurance, only to fall when he continued.  "With or without me, you are never alone."

She closed her eyes.  "Xelloss, please."

"All right."  He pulled her in to his chest, rocking her slightly as he whispered to her.  "Can Ryuuzoku feel hatred?  Negative emotions?  Valterria hated gold dragons well before he became Mazoku.  You at least did a very convincing impression of hatred.  If the gods' own can feel hatred, why can demons not feel love?  That should answer one of your questions."  

"It does, but--"

"But it is not enough.  Filia-chan, has it occurred to you that this involves a lot of effort on my part?  I could bed you just as easily without spending all of my time near you."

"I still don't know your mission."

His voice sounded a little annoyed.  "I thought you said you did."

"I'm assuming, Xelloss, based on what you said and what you didn't say."

She could feel his chin moving against her skull as he shook his head.  "Filia.  Would you believe me if I told you I loved you?"

"Yes.  Xelloss.  You have never lied to me.  You sometimes don't say things, you sometimes give misleading impressions.  I have never heard you tell a lie."

The silence between them dragged on and on.  "I will stay with you as long as I am allowed to do so, Filia-chan.  If I am ordered away, I will return if I am allowed to do so.  That is all I can give you."

She flinched, eyes squeezing tightly shut.  It wasn't enough.  It could never be enough.  His lips touched hers again, hands smoothing the length of her back.  He murmured words that were clearly intended to be comforting.  How could she possibly be comforted?  He'd said a lot, true.  More than she ever believed he could or would say.  And it was-- not enough.  Never enough.  

He must have sensed her misery.  He sighed and released her.  She felt the blast of cold air as he moved away.  The mattress moved as his weight shifted.  "I cannot give you what you want, Filia.  Do you have any idea what would happen to us both?"  There was a quick noise, then silence as he faded out and away.  

Filia rolled over in bed and buried her face in the pillow, crying.

***

She woke up early the next morning, hoping against hope that she had misremembered.  Xelloss was surely still there.  But then, he wasn't in bed.  Perhaps he'd decided to surprise her with breakfast?  Her heart was beating fast as she dressed herself and ran downstairs.  When she reached the shop level, she found it empty, and could no longer convince herself of the lie.  He was gone.  She'd driven him away, and he was gone.

The customers were unwontedly quiet that morning, as well.  She felt a sense of blame coming from them-- it matched the blame she assigned to herself.  They missed him-- they missed his pranks and good humor.  She was a poor substitute.  She could almost hear them whispering, wondering what she had done to drive her lover away.

The crowd went away, and she sank down at an empty table, exhausted from the effort of facing so many accusing stares.  She poured herself tea with shaking hands.  

There was a whisper of noise-- one she knew well.  She looked up to see Xelloss, standing in front of her with cold, cold eyes.  

"Xelloss," she whispered.  "You came back."

He didn't walk over to touch her.  He simply watched her.  It was the transformation in his personality she had always feared.  His voice was cold and dark.  "You are carrying my child, Filia-san.  Did you realize that?"

Her eyes snapped open.  "I shouldn't be able to-- you're not-- I'm not--"

"You asked me about my natural form, Filia-san, and I told you that I didn't have one.  I told you I could take any form, and that I liked this one.  Do you remember that?"  He didn't give her a chance to respond.  "There's no one like me left-- not that anyone ever really was.  I can take this form, make a few changes, come a little closer to approximating your dragon/human form.  And that, it appears, was enough."

Her body was cold, so cold, and numb.  Her lips were hard to move.  "That was why you came to see me, Xelloss?  That was what the Greater Beast wanted?"

He moved no closer.  "Yes.  It is.  So, you see, I did reveal a secret to you, didn't I, Filia-san?  Was it everything you had hoped?"

"Please don't."

"Here's another secret for you, Filia.  I knew I had succeeded that first morning.  The first morning, Filia.  And yet I stayed with you-- helped you bake cookies, of all things.  I didn't have to stay."

Her lips were still numb.  "You just did it to make sure I didn't get rid of the child."

"'Get rid of the child?'" his voice dripped sarcasm.  "You would never get rid of a child, Filia, even mine.  And it would have been more effective for me to leave that first morning, really.  You would have still loved me.  You would have cherished that child as a memento of the time we spent together.  And yet I stayed.  It wasn't enough for you, Filia.  It was never enough for you."

"Do you have any idea how much I wanted to believe you loved me, Xelloss?  I only asked when I couldn't believe it anymore."

His voice was cold and mocking.  "I was kind to you.  I stayed with you.  I had my minions bake cookies for you.  I told you I would stay with you as long as I was allowed to.  I told you I would come back to you if I were allowed to.  As I asked you before, Filia, what could have possibly been different if I had told you I loved you?"

"Nothing!  Nothing, Xelloss!  I just wanted to believe it would last.  I wanted it so desperately."

"You wanted a future so desperately that you sabotaged any chance of it?  What was I thinking?"  He spun around, and she could only stare at his back.

She listened, and for once really heard what he'd said to her.  He had stayed with her far beyond his mission.  He'd promised to stay as long as he could.  He'd shown her his true form.  Even after all of it, he'd come back today as he'd promised.  Even if he'd never said it... how much did it matter?  What kind of a fool was she, indeed?  She had been so busy believing that what he showed her wasn't real that she'd sabotaged it.  She forced herself to stand and move near him.  She raised a hand and placed it on his shoulder.  "Xelloss.  I love you.  I'm sorry.  It should have been enough.  It was enough.  I don't know what I was thinking.  You gave me everything I ever dreamed of.  It was so good I didn't know what to do.  I couldn't help but think I would lose it."

"I expected seducing you to take far more effort than it did."

She shuddered, then pressed her body against his back.  It was stiff and unyielding.  _I've hurt him._  Even reading the subtext of what he had said, that surprised her.  She put her arms around him.  "Xelloss, once you made your intentions clear, I had no intention of fighting you.  I wanted this too much.  I was willing to do anything to be able to pretend that you loved me.  Anything."

"I've never understood you, Filia.  I was surprised when you helped me."

"When I helped you?"

"After I tried to get Valgarv to rejoin the Mazoku in exchange for Lina-san's life," he said impatiently.  "He hit me with that weapon, and you tried to help me.  I never understood why.  You hated me."

She shook her head.  "I never hated you."

He turned, putting one hand behind her head and pressing it into his chest, moving the other hand around her waist and pulling her against him.  "Filia--"

"I never hated you," she repeated, voice muffled by his cloak.  "I always wished I could hate you.  It hurt when you betrayed us, but I never could hate you."  Filia thought she had learned her lesson, but apparently not.  She could not resist the next question.  "And you.  Did you hate me?"

His hand stroked against the back of her head.  "Why would I hate you?  I never had any reason to hate you, Filia."

"Where do we go from here?" she asked, pulling her head back to look into his eyes.

He shook his head.  "Wherever you want to go."

She stared at him for a few more minutes, then gave him a quick smile.  "I guess the kitchen is a place to start.  You still need to teach me to make those dragon cookies."

His arms loosened, and there was a long pause.  Her heart almost stopped, waiting on his response.  "Me?  You want me to teach you, Filia?  You must be joking.  Only the lesser Mazoku make those.  Besides," he sniffed haughtily, "they shouldn't be _dragons; any fool knows the __wolf cookies are far superior."_

"Wolves?  How could wolves possibly be better?  Everyone knows that dragons are better-- in life and in cookies."  She pulled him toward the kitchen.

His hand fell on her arm, staying her.  His eyes were serious as they met hers.  "This isn't a solution, Filia."

She met his look with one equally serious.  "No, but it's a start."  She smiled and dragged him toward the kitchen, squabbling happily every step of the way.

***

Author's notes: canon, anti-canon, and other.

Most of this fanfiction is-- surprisingly-- canonical.  Or, actually, as canonical as it is possible to be writing (a) Slayers fanfiction which is (b) romance, involving (c) Xelloss and Filia.  However, in the interest of not spreading further confusion about Xelloss (and there seems to be a lot of it, actually), if you have a question about whether something is canonical or not, please ask me.  I'll be happy to answer.


End file.
